


Yamaguchi's lover

by Anotherlovely



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2020-01-23 21:57:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18558679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anotherlovely/pseuds/Anotherlovely
Summary: yamaguchi feels forgotten and unimportant to his team.when Yamaguchi's new neighbour starts threatening him to be his boyfriend, he thinks no one will notice his pain, not even his best friend Tsuki.WARNINGS:violenceabusementions of rape





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi, thanks for checking out this fanfic...hope you enjoy.

I'm always on the sidelines. I guess that's my role as the pinch server.

Why should I not be though? I don't offer anything special to the team.

I'm short, weak, quiet and I can't even serve the ball without it hitting the net - Hinata has similar flaws too, but he's strong and has that quick attack with Kageyama - I have nothing.

I'm either picked on or forgotten.

Sometimes it feels like Tsuki forgets about me too. I wish he wouldn't. We've been friends ever since he stopped those kids from bullying me. He's so strong- I suppose he has better things to think about than me, especially since he's a starter - he's also very tall and smart - something I could never offer the team.

I don't mind not playing in every game it's just I want someone to notice me.

~~~~~~ Yamaguchi's house~~~~~~

"Tadashi, could you come downstairs please!"

"hey mum"

"Tadashi, come meet our new neighbours"

"hi I'm Hana Higurashi and this is my son Haruto," Hana said with a kind smile

"nice to meet you, I'm Yamaguchi Tadashi," I bow as she's my elder.

My mother starts speaking again " Hana and I thought it would be nice if you could show haruto around the neighbourhood, maybe get some lunch."

"okay." I couldn't exactly say no, it would be too rude.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"where are we going?" Haruto asked me

"we're going to the shops and then to the park."

"do you always do what your mom asks you?"

"..." how am I supposed to answer that?

"thought so. What do you do for fun?"

"I play volleyball for my school."

"you play volleyball? Don't you have to be tall?"

"I'm the pinch server, I don't have to be tall to serve."

"how about we go have some real fun?"

"I dunno, maybe we should just go back."

He grabbed my wrist and held it really tight "I wanna go have fun and you need to tell my mom I've been good, do you understand?"

"yes"

"such a wimp"

~~~~~~~

Haruto and I have been walking for ages until we get to a worn down looking house. The paints peeling and the grass is overgrown, does anyone even live here?

"can I wait outside?"

"don't be a pussy"

He leads me into the house like he owns the place, instantly I can't breathe, cigarette smell heavy in the air. I'm led down a hallway into a room with about five other guys in it all smoking and drinking. There's also a couple of girls - one in the middle of the room taking off all of her clothes.

"Hey, this is Yamaguchi, my neighbour."

"what happened to Niko?" a big muscular guy asked.

"got rid of her ass, she's a slut."

"a nice one though."

Haruto leads me to sit down. I can't stop shaking and I can feel myself sweating. I want Tsuki. My phones in my pocket, I could text him but what if they do something?

"have you ever smoked before?" I look up to see the man with big muscles.

I shake my head. I can't smoke, it would be bad for the team.

He hands me a cigarette, stared me down until I put it in my mouth and sucked in the toxic smoke. I immediately coughed, gasping for fresh air but there was none in the room.

They all laughed at me, bringing a blush to my face.

"he's so cute Haru, where did you find this one again?" muscle man asked

"he's just my neighbour" 

The muscle man stands up and walks towards me. I'm frozen, the shaking has stopped, tears forming in my eyes. The man grabs the cigarette from my hand and guides it into my mouth. He doesn't take it out, he just holds it there I start coughing insanely.  
He grabs my right hand and presses the cigarette on the palm of my hand.

The tears start flowing. It hurt so bad. I really need Tsuki right now.

"your neighbour is so fucking hot, I'd love to see him cry in bed."

What?

"Nah, he's not to be slept with. he's mine."

"if you ever need me to teach him a lesson -"

"I'll let you know if he does. We should get going now. Tadashi has practice now."

"make sure you bring him back soon, I'd love to see him drunk."

"I'll bring him back sometime soon."

Haruto grabs my hand and leads me out of the toxic house. It's a silent walk back to our houses.

"you can't tell anyone what happened today."

"Hey, are you listening to me?"

"yes"

"you're not gonna tell anyone, are you?"

"no."

"good"

Once we're outside of my house I try to rush in but am stopped by a strong hand grabbing my wrist.

"I like you"

"..."

He leans in, wanting a kiss but I move my face away.

He whispers in my ear "if you don't accept my love I'll tell him where you live and he'll rape you in front of your mother." he bites my ear really hard and walks back to his house. I stand, frozen in place as if I've been glued to the ground. I feel something wet drop on my shoulder. Blood. I go to my house and I run up the stairs into the bathroom as fast as I can.

Luckily he bit the top of my ear so I can just hide it behind my hair.

I grab some toilet paper and start dabbing at my ear. I make sure all the blood is cleaned up and that the mark is hidden behind my hair.

I leave the bathroom and rush into my room.

My hand burns every time I move it.

I check my phone to see if I had any messages.

Nothing.

It's not that surprising. I always check hoping someone wanted to see me.

I need to talk to someone but what if he tells that guy with big muscles and...

No one can help me with this.

But it's even sadder that no one will notice me as my existence is unimportant to everyone.

"Tadashi, honey. Dinners ready!"

I go downstairs to see my mother at the table, waiting for me to join her before she starts eating.

"how was your day?"

"it was good."

"was Haruto nice?"

"he was fine."

"that's good, his mother said he has had some problems with the police in the past and has some relations to a gang, but he's been doing better."

What?

"that's good, he seems really nice."

"his mother will be so pleased to hear, he's going to the same school as you. Maybe you could take him to your morning practice and he could meet some of your friends?"

"Yeah, I'm sure they will get along well."

"Tsuki hasn't been around as much lately, what's he up to?"

"he's been practising his spikes more, he wants to get better."

"why aren't you helping him?"

"he wanted Kageyama to help him because he's the starting setter."

"that would make sense"

"it's been a long day mom, I think I'm gonna shower and then head to bed."

"Alright, goodnight honey."

"night mom."

It's been a long day, after my shower, I climb into bed and cry myself to sleep.

I'm so scared.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> glad you made it to chapter two.
> 
> at the beginning of this chapter, there is un-consensual kissing.

It took me a bit longer to get ready as I had to make sure that the bite mark on my ear was covered well.

There's nothing much I can do about my hand so I just leave it be, no one will notice anyway.

For breakfast, I had two pieces of toast with jam. I like jam - it's sweet - I also have a glass of water.

I grab my lunch and walk over to the Haruto house with shaky steps.

Mom asked me to walk him to school so that's what I'm gonna do.

I knock on the door to Harutos house.

"hi Tadashi, Haruto's almost ready."

"morning Ms."

"no need for formalities, just call me Hana."

"okay, Hana."

Haruto starts running down the stairs in a messy uniform, but there's no time to fix it now else we'll be late.

"morning Tadashi. bye, mom, we're off."

"have a good day."

It's a quiet walk. My hands are sweaty. Why couldn't he go to school by himself? I don't want him to ruin my team.

"you look stupid," Haruto said out of the blue.

Do I? I always thought I looked more plain than stupid.

"hold my hand"

I hate you though.

I hold out my hand for him to grab.

"disgusting, why is you hand so sweaty?"

"I-I don't know."

"don't touch me til you've washed your hands"

"okay."

It was a long walk but we finally made it to the school gym, slightly late thanks to Haru.

Walking into the gym was kinda sad - nobody turned to say hello or to even give me a look. It's fine but if it were Hinata everyone would be asking him, bombarding him with questions - I guess he is important to the team.

"does nobody like you or something?" he whispered in my ear.

I ignore it and walk over to Takeda sensei and apologise for being late and that Haru was watching today. I quickly change and join in with the last of the warm-up.

Morning Practice dragged on today. I kept making mistakes, I didn't get one serve over the net nor could I receive any passes - which had Haruto smirking at me the entire practice.

"HI MY NAMES HINATA SHOYO, IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU!" Hinata said in his, as usual, loveable tone.

"I'm Haruto, are you always this noisy?"

"I'M JUST EXCITED, THE THRILL OF HITTING THE BALL OVER THE NET LIKE WHOOSH AND BAM GETS ME EXCITED!"

"Shut up dumbass."

"stupid Bakageyama. THAT'S KAGEYAMA, HE'S ALWAYS GROUCHY... don't make him mad, he's very scary."

"Tadashi, let's go."

"okay."

They leave the gym. No one tried to stop Yamaguchi from leaving, they just let him go.

At least, Yamaguchi didn't notice Tsuki watch him as he leaves.

"I was right, you are shit at it."

"I'm m just having an off day."

We arrive at the office to get his timetable - luckily he's not in my class, he's not even in my year. He's in 2nd year in the same class as Tanaka and Noya.

"your classroom is on floor 3."

"let's go do something fun first."

"no, I have to get to class."

"That's no fun, come on. I wouldn't recommend defying me or you know what will happen."

"okay."

"Where's the bathroom?"

I lead him to the closest bathroom. He pulls me in with him. He takes us into one of the stalls and sits me down on the toilet lid. I can feel my body trembling. He locks the door and sits down on my lap, straddling my waist. He's heavy, locking my legs in place.

He's very forceful when he kisses, his teeth biting and nipping at my lips. He's grinding his crotch down on mine. It really hurts.

He barely gives me time to breathe, let alone tell him to stop. I'm just a toy to him.

"are you good at anything?"

"I'm sorry." why am I sorry?

"just means your gonna need more practice."

He gets up and leaves. How is it that easy for him? It's it takes Yamaguchi a good 15 minutes to compose himself before leaving. Morning classes are almost over so I just head up to the roof where Tsuki and I normally have lunch.

I'm still pretty shaken up. My lips hurt.

Tsuki finally comes out and sits next to me.

"who's your new friend?"

"Oh, that's Haruto Higurashi, he's my neighbour."

"what's he like?"

"he's-nice."

"is he?"

"yes."

"Hmm." Tsuki hums, concluding our conversation. He puts his headphone on and eats.

I can't stomach anything. I don't feel good at all.

Why didn't Tsuki ask about me? Why only Haruto? am I really that unimportant?

I know I'm just the pinch server, that I'm not good at volleyball or anything for that matter but I just want someone to care for me and to notice me.

Class doesn't seem to matter, why should it if I myself don't matter. Even the teachers didn't seem to notice my absence as I haven't gotten in trouble.

Class ends with the final bell, snapping me out of my thoughts.

Everyone's setting up the gym ready for practice, except Daichi and Suga who are talking to coach Ukai.

"Alright everyone gather up we have a training camp at Nekoma next Wednesday, we need everyone to attend, so don't forget. We're going to start today with conditioning and then work on some spikes and receives."

Spikes and receives, spikes and receives. It seems no matter how hard I practice I ever get better at them. I really am worthless.

It's a long practice. It's difficult not being good at anything. It makes the hours seem far too long. Luckily I'm okay at conditioning although I'll never be as strong as Tanaka or fast as Hinata, I'll always just be okay. I guess that's fine.

We all say our goodbyes and head of in different directions.

Tsuki and I walk home most of the way together. Of course, he mostly listens to his music so we don't talk, but it's nice, in a way.

"bys Tsuki, see you tomorrow."

"Bye." 'are you feeling okay Tadashi? You seem tired.' Tsukishima thinks to himself, he makes a mental note to ask his friend tomorrow.

I finally make it home, dinners already on the table.

"Hi honey, how was school?"

Guess I'm really not getting in trouble.   
"it was good."

"Hana came over today and said how wonderful you are. She's so glad Haruto has a good friend like you. You should try to get him on the volleyball team, it would be good for him and then you two could walk to and from school together, wouldn't that be great?"

" I don't think volleyballs his thing mom."

"what a shame, you two are going to be such good friends. Oh, by the way, I gave Hana your number. I hope that's fine, she wanted to make sure Haru had it in case he wanted to message you."

"that's cool." why? I don't want to talk to him.

"I have a training camp next week."

"Haruto will be so disappointed that you won't be here. So will Hana she's just so thankful your here to help her son."

Haruto, Haruto, Haruto. Why can't anybody ask about me? Maybe I'm just self-absorbed if I want people to ask about me. I'm just jealous of the attention everyone else is getting.

"I'm really tired mom, we did a lot at practice today, I'm gonna shower and then head to bed."

"Alright honey, goodnight."

"night."

I head to my room to get some pyjamas. My phone is going crazy. It's Haru.

He wants pictures.

Of me.

Without clothes on.

I text him back saying I can't, only to get a reply saying "are you sure? Would you rather have your mother watch you get raped by several men?"

What choice do I have?

I head to the bathroom.

I undress.

I look in the mirror, holding my phone up to take a pic. I can't look at myself as I take the picture.

*click*

Send.

Sent.

I couldn't sleep that night, I felt so disgusting and ashamed. What if people see that picture, what if Tsuki sees it? Would they even notice it's me?

It's going to be a long night.

Yamaguchi didn't notice when he fell asleep, it just happened as he was softly crying, trying to be as quiet as possible so his mother didn't hear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what do you think Tsuki's going to do???
> 
> let's hope our yams ends up okay
> 
> thanks again for reading!!!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm surprised people are actually reading this lol.

My ear looks a bit better. It's not bright red anymore. My hand doesn't look that great though.

The weather's nice today, maybe today will be better?

I get to the gym really early - before Hinata even - I just really didn't want to walk with haru.

"You're here early Yamaguchi."

Oh, it's Suga.

"yeah."

"no friend today?"

"you mean Haruto? He's probably still asleep."

Even someone Suga doesn't know is more interesting than me.

Suga unlocks the door to the gym and in we go.

It's just another day of practice. Nothing new. Just same old same old.

In class, we have a maths test at the end of the week. I've never really found maths stressful but I'm gonna ask tsukki for help. He's the best at maths.

Finally, morning classes are over. I hate having maths and English first on a Tuesday. Before tsukki and I can get to the roof we are interrupted by none other than Haru.

"hey, Yamaguchi can I borrow you for a minute?"

"why do you need Tadashi?"

"it's none of your business."

Tsuki just shrugged and walked out, making his way towards the rooftop.

Haru grabs my hand, not caring for anyone who may see us. Two guys holding hands is wrong to some people - as much as we want it to be accepted, it never will. It's just one of those things - he brings me outside behind the main building where nobody goes nor where anyone can see.

He holds me by the collar of my school shirt as he pushes me roughly against the wall. I look into his eyes and all I can see is pure fury. I can feel my legs giving out but he holds me up, looking right back into my eyes full of fear.

He slaps me. My head goes to the side making contact with the wall - why did he hit me?.

"why did you walk to school without me?"

"I-I had to get to practice."

He raises his hand to slap me again but doesn't. Of course, that doesn't stop me from flinching away.

"you're mine. Everything you do I need to be there too, I can't have you fucking every person you see like the slut you are."

"I'm not-"

I'm pushed to the ground, getting dry dirt all over my uniform.

"I decide what you are and you will listen to me or I'll share your slut body with everyone in the school."

He spits on me before leaving.

I'm not a slut.

I can't see Tsukki right now. I can just have lunch in the classroom.

I get up and brush the dirt off my uniform, it's still slightly noticeable to me but probably not to anyone else.

Most people go to the canteen for lunch so the classroom is pretty empty apart from three people.

The whole time I can't eat my lunch, I'm too nervous to talk to Tsukki. I've never just left him like that before. I don't think he'll be too mad though.

The bell rings and everyone comes flooding back into the class. Tsuki doesn't even look at me. It's my fault, I should have at least texted him. I can apologise to him after practice.

~~~~~~practice~~~~~~

"How's your serve coming along Yamaguchi?" coach Ukai asked me.

Honestly, it's not going that great I'm getting it over the net every now and then but not constantly enough to say I've got it.

"I'm getting there."

" keep working on it, we'll have you practice it next week at the training camp."

"yes, coach."

I need to practice more. I can't go to the training camp and fail at everything. Maybe shimada can help me more? I'll have to ask him.

Practice finally comes to an end and Tsuki and I are walking back in silence. I feel bad about earlier but he's listening to music I don't want to disturb him.

"where were you at lunch?"

He asked, what should I say?

"Haru needed help. Sorry I didn't tell you. "

'Haru? Why is his name shortened?' Tsukishima thought to himself.

They fell into silence once more as they continued their walk...

...   
..   
.

"is everything okay?"

"what?"

"you're acting weird."

"oh. I'm fine."

And they head off on their own ways.

Tsukki noticed me. He asked about me. Not haru, me.

The day may not have been the best but it wasn't the worst.

"hey mom, I'm home."

That's strange, she normally says hello.

I find a note in the kitchen.

She's having dinner with Hana and Haru getting us pizza.

*ding dong*

Do I have to open it? Maybe I can pretend I'm not home yet.

"Yamaguchi open the door, I know you're inside."

He didn't shout but he didn't need to.

I open the door slowly and he walks right in like he owns the place.

"you're not gonna say hello?"

"hi."

"that's no way to greet your boyfriend, come give me a kiss."

Yamaguchi walks over and gives Haru a quick kiss on the cheek.

"we'll work on it. Where's your room I'm hungry."

"upstairs."

"lead the way."

Yamaguchi didn't normally have people over. The only person that's been in his room apart from his mom is tsukki.

"you're rooms kinda cute. Almost like a girl. "

Cute?

"I got cheese, I didn't know what you would like so I thought plain would be best."

He took my opinion into consideration - what's with the sudden mood swing?

"thanks."

"our mom's are getting along."

"yeah."

"it's cause their husbands both left them."

"your dad's out of the picture too?"

"yeah. I don't miss him though. He was a fuckin prick."

"oh."

"he'd beat my mother for literally anything. Damn every time I didn't know what to do. I could only hide in my room and try block out the noises."

"what happened to your dad?"

"I killed him."

"..."

"I couldn't stand him anymore so I took one of his beer bottles and smashed it on his head."

"I didn't mean to kill him. I just wanted him to stop and he did."

"I'm sorry."

"don't be, I'm glad he's gone. Sometimes I feel like I'm turning into him but I can't. I can't turn into him. I'm not am I?"

"no. You're not going to be anything like him."

"but I'm like him now?"

".."

"I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt anyone."

"it's okay."

Is it though?

"I'm sorry for putting this on you. I just need you to know. I think I really like you Tadashi."

Does he? Does somebody really like me? He doesn't really know me and I don't know him but he cares, I think.

"I'm gonna go home now, you can have the pizza. I just really need some sleep."

"Bye."

"goodnight Tadashi."

"yeah, goodnight."

I don't know what to think. He's rude but he's been through a lot. He can't be that bad of a person deep down. Maybe I should give him another chance.

~~~~~~~~the next day~~~~~~

Ear check.

Hand check.

Today I'm gonna wait for Haru so I don't get hurt today.

He's running a bit late though and I don't want to miss practice.

I decide to knock on his door. Maybe he's just waiting for me inside?

"hi, Tadashi."

"good morning, Hana."

"Haru is just grabbing his lunch so he's on his way."

"bye, mom. Come on Tadashi."

"about last night, you can't tell anyone."

"I wasn't planning on it."

"good. Now walk faster or we're gonna be late."

I ended up missing practice. It's okay though, it's just a one-time thing. It won't happen again because I need to go to practice to get better.

At least I made it to class on time.

Although Tsukkis mad at me, he didn't even look at me during lunch.

Takeda sensei asked why I wasn't in morning practice but nobody else seemed to notice I wasn't there. At least haru notices when I'm not there to walk with him.

It late at night when we finish practice. There are a lot of grey clouds - it's probably going to rain soon.

"are you mad at me Tsukki?"

"no. There's no reason to be mad at you." 'I did wish you would tell me what's going on though.'

That's a relief. I never want Tsukki to be mad at me.

"are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm sure. I'm probably just coming down with a cold."

"okay."

Sometimes it feels like he cares for me and other times I'm just here.

Apart from missing morning practice today wasn't that bad. Haru didn't do anything weird and Tsukki noticed me.

Tonight when I get home I'm greeted by my mother. We sit and have dinner. I do wish she would talk about something other than Hana and Haru but I'm glad she's happy.

I shower, get into bed when I get a message from Haru.

He asked me, well more like told me we're gonna do something fun tomorrow and to wait for him outside his house.

Tomorrow could be a long day.

~~~~next day~~~~~

I'm wearing my uniform waiting outside of his house. I know it's weird but I hope we're going to school first.

"waiting patiently I see."

"morning."

"are you gonna give me a kiss."

"Um..."

"nevermind you already killed the mood."

"sorry."

"today's going to be fun."

"what are we doing?"

"You remember my friend?"

The one with big muscles?   
"why?"

"we're gonna go have some fun with him."

"can we go to school first?"

"no, that would ruin our day. I wanna have some fun."

"but-"

"don't be a pussy. It'll be fun I promise."

"I really don't want to go Haru."

"Am I really going to have to make you?"

The look in his eyes shook me to the core.   
"no."

"good. Try not to piss me off too much today."

"okay."

Why does his mood keep changing? Sometimes he's happy and others he's not.

I'm struck with fear as we stand outside his friend's house. I don't want to go in. But there's no getting out of it now.

"Haru. I'm glad you brought your friend back. We just stocked up on drinks too. How many do you think he can take?"

"let's find out."

I'm forced onto a couch. My body shaking with tears in my eyes as I watch then pour me a shot glass full of a clear white liquid. The bottle says vodka.

I don't think this is going to be fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for making it to the end of another chapter...
> 
> I really hope yams ends up okay...


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a quick warning this chapter can be very triggering so please be careful if you read this chapter.

"here, drink it."

I take the drink from his hand but I can't drink it. I look to Haru pleadingly. I am met with nothing but his cold stare. He's not gonna look away until I drink it. I take a small sip from the glass. It's strong. I cough from the taste I spill most of my drink when doing so.

"you fucking bitch. Do you know how much that cost?"

"I'm sorry."

"Haru. Show your bitch a lesson."

Haru walks over to me and takes the shot glass from my hand and throws it against the wall, smashing it to little pieces, causing me to whimper softly.

"you don't waste things around here, you got it?"

"y-yes"

"good."

I'm poured another drink into a new glass. It's handed over to me and I look back at Haru except his cold stare is now fuelled with fury.

"if you don't drink it we'll make you eat that glass up from the floor." Harus friend says.

I drink it. All in one go.

They fill it again and again and again and I drink up every last drop because of if I didn't I would be dead.

My head feels really fuzzy. Haru and his friend, Jun, jin, Jay? I can't make out what they're saying.

Tadashi.

"Tadashi."

Oh, they're talking to me now.

"let's have a little show," Jun tells me.

A show?

"take off your clothes," Haru explains to me.

I shake my head. I don't want to do that. I just want to go home. Home, that sounds nice. Ig et up from the couch and lean against the chair for support as I go to make my way out of the house but am stopped by a strong grip in my hair.

"where do you think you're going?" Jun says to me.

"h-home."

"I don't think so." I'm tossed onto the small coffee table in the middle of the room. There are bottles and Ashtrays on the table, luckily none break.

"now, I want a show and you're gonna give me one."

Yamaguchi just slides off the table and sits on the floor. He doesn't want to put on a show. He wants to go to school. With Tsukki.

Tsukki would be ashamed if he saw me right now.

Yamaguchi is brought out of his thoughts by Haru picking him up from the floor so he's standing. Haru helps him take his shirt off. And his pants and Yamaguchi is left in nothing but his underwear.

"you found yourself a nice bitch. Don't let this one turn out like the last one."

"I don't plan on it."

"let's give him a little more to drink."

Jun grabs the half empty bottle of vodka and walks over to me. He puts the bottle in my mouth and slowly tilts it up. I can't keep up with the amount of liquid that's entering my mouth. He keeps tilting it up and up until there's none left in the bottle.

I don't feel so good. I think im-

"your bitch just threw up on my carpet."

"he'll clean it up."

Haru pushes me to my knees and pushes my face towards the vomit on the ground.

"eat it."

I turn my face to the side before he pushes me into it. It covers the side of my face and I can feel it soaking into the side of my hair.

"I said eat it."

He puts his fist into my hair so tightly he might rip it all out he guides my face towards it again but I don't open my mouth. I won't. He throws me to the side and kicks me.

I hunch in on my stomach and protect my head with my arms as I begin to cry.

"fuck him on the couch. I wanna watch."

What?

My visions going funny. I can't see anything.

I feel myself being lifted by strong arms but that's the last thing I notice before my body goes limp.

~~~~~~~~~~

My head really hurts. What happened? Am I still at the guy's house?

" finally you're awake."

I try sitting up but it hurts so bad my hips and-

"what did you do?"

"I did what you deserved."

"you raped me." it came out barely above a whisper but he heard me, I know he did.

"you were being bad the whole day. I had to-

"where am I?"

"my house."

"I'm going home. Don't ever come near me again." I couldn't stop my voice from cracking.

I try to stand but I just fall down. Haru comes to help me up, "STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME." I make my own way out of the house and into my own. I walk up the stairs and into the bathroom. I hope my mom didn't notice.

I look so bad. My eyes are bloodshot and my hairs a mess. Haruto must have cleaned the puke from my hair, I wish he didn't, I don't want to ever think about him again.

I slowly take off my shirt, afraid of what lies underneath. It's repulsive. Why did I let him do this to me? I should have run, I should have - I should have done something. I'm so awful. His fingertips left bruises all over my hips. There are hickeys all over my neck and shoulders. I don't want to look at what's under my pants so I take them off quickly and jump in the shower. I turn the water on. It's cold, I need it to be hot, no burning. I need to burn it all away.

"Tadashi? You've been in there a while, is everything okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Haru came by."

"what did he want?"

"he just came round to drop your bag off. I left it in your room."

"thanks, mom."

~~~~~~~ the next day

I missed school yesterday. I'm also skipping morning practice. It hurts and I don't want anyone to see me.

I got a couple of texts, I didn't respond to any of them I don't know what to say. At least they noticed I wasn't there. Finally, it feels as though people are noticing me but I don't want them to. Nobody should see me, I'm so repulsive. I just want to be left alone and- I feel like dying.

*knock knock*

"Tadashi, your friends came around to see if you're okay."

"I don't want to see them. Tell them to go away."

"they came all the way to see you, you should at least say hi."

"I don't want to." I can't.

"Tadashi, don't be rude."

"I'm sorry mom, I just can't see them right now."

"is everything okay?"

"I'm fine mom, just tell them I'm sorry."

"okay."

I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry. I just can't face any of you right now.

In the corner of his room he sits on the floor, his knees pulled into his chest and his head down, crying pools of tears that never seem to end.

I'm sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well shit.
> 
> thanks for reading.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yamaguchi has been cooped up in his room after leaving haru because of the awful thinh he did to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its been a while but im here. schools been a bitch and still is but thanks for being patient.

I've only ever left this spot to go to the bathroom and shower. Other then that I've been in the corner of my room, on the floor, crying my eyes dry. There beginning to hurt. Mom's left some food outside of my room. I never eat it though, I'm just not hungry.

I don't know what time it is, or what day. I don't want to llok at my phone because its been buzzing, it's probably just tsukki but what if its not? What if its haruto? I don't think I can deal with seeing messages from him.

"tadashi. Come out of your room and have breakfast, im driving you to school for your training camp."

"I don't want to go."

"you've been in your room all weekend. I want you out of the house."

"no. I feel sick."

"don't play that card with me it's not working. Now open the door."

"no."

"open the door now tadashi, or I'll take it away."

It's her fault this happened, I don't want to see her so when I open the door I don't look at her, I just walk past her and down the stairs and into the kitchen.

I don't really feel like eating so the bowl of cereal that sits on the table in front of me doesn't look all that appealing.

My mom comes down some time later with my bag which is packed with stuff for the training camp.

"do you have your phone?"

"I won't need it."

"what if I need to get a hold of you?"

"it's only 4 days."

"you need your phone go get it and your wallet I'll be waiting in the car."

I go upstairs and pickup my phone and wallet. I turn my phone off. I don't want to see the messages.

The cars already started as I get outside.

Does she really want me gone that badly?

It's a quiet drive, thankfully she doesn't speak to me. We park at the school and as fast as I can I un buckle my seat belt and-

"tadashi, I know somethings wrong. Please don't shut me out."

And I open the door and leave. Everyone looks surprised to see me, all of a sudden I feel like throwing up. All of their eyes are on me. Do they know? No, they can't. Their just surprised to see me. I feel guilty. I cant even stand to look at them so I keep my head down and walk on the bus. I even ignore hinata greeting me. I hope tsukkis not here yet,i hope he hasn't seen me.

I look out the bus window, my moms talking to the coach. Why couldn't she just leave?

Its not before everyone starts loading on the bus. Everyone's talking loudly, it's giving me a headache.

It doesn't surprise me when nobody talks about me, it's just, if somebody misses practice or if they've been hurt we normally talk about it.

Did they even notice I was missing or did they think someone new just joined the team?

Tsukki comes on the bus and sits next to me, his leg brushing mine slightly. I coil as close to the wall as I can, trying to put as much distance between us.

It's gonna be a long, noisy ride to the school of nekoma.

~~~~~~~~~~

Once the bus has finally stopped everyone's getting off the bus while laughing at hinata excitement.

I watch hinata run off the bus to greet kenma. Hinatas lucky. He's loud and everyone loves him for it, nobody likes quiet people for being quiet.

I'm the last to get off the bus. We all take our bags and bring them to our room. We're a small team so we only have one room between us all. Which would be great - if I was okay with sleeping in the same room as a bunch of other guys - I know I can trust my team mates but I can't just forget.

Everyone begins changing into their volleyball gear - I forgot we had to change - I don't think I can change with everyone. They'll definitely see. There are still a few lingering hickey looming all over my shoulders - luckily the ones on my neck faded away already.

I stand and watch the wall as everyone changes around me. Nobody seems to notice I'm not changing - maybe I can get away with it?

"are you not playing today yamaguchi?" suga asks.

I didn't eve know that was an option, am I allowed to not play? Maybe I should tell takeda sensei that I'm not feeling well, he'll believe me right?

"yamaguchi?"

"I'm not feeling good."

"are you feeling sick? Do you need to sit down?"

"I just need some fresh air."

I walk out the room without looking at anyone.

Outside is much better than inside, there's room to breathe. It's so far away from home that I don't have to worry about haru to doing anything to me.

"yamaguchi. We're about to have our first game. Are you okay to come in?"   
Suga - he's always so caring.

"yeah, I'll come watch."

"great, I hope you feel better soon. I'd love to see that new serve you've been working on."

He knew I was working on a serve?

The gyms pretty crowded.

I suppose there are 4 teams here plus managers and coaches and all that.

At least I kinda know everyone in the room.

" yamaguchi how are you feeling now?" takeda sensei asked.

"I'm okay now."

"good good, go get changed, coach wants to use you in the game."

"really? Actually I'm not well enough to play."

"next game then."

I'm standing by yachi. She's always so happy. And people love her, her and hinata would go well together.

We lost the game - no surprise there, compared to everyone else we suck.

Everyone takes a break for lunch. I'm still not very hungry. But I eat half a sandwich to not worry anyone.

And the day continues on we play another two games before we finish for the day. Some people like hinata and kageyama don't stop.

I wish I had the will to practice right now. But I really don't want to. I'm so tired I just want to sleep but I'm scared to close my eyes. I need to know what's happening around me. I need to know that nobody's going to touch me.

I walk slowly back to the room my team is staying in.

No one else is here. They must all be in the dining hall for dinner. I lay out my futon as close to the wall as I can. I lie down, pretending to sleep so no one talks to me.

I wish my head wasn't so full of awful thoughts. But it is. There's nothing I can do about that. I just have to live with hating myself because living with it is better than being pitied.

At least that's what I think.

I don't know how much time passes but eventually everyone came into the room and layed out their futons ready to sleep. But eventually I can hear everyone's breaths softening and I know their all asleep. I don't sleep at all. I just stay awake as my team falls asleep beside me.

~~~~~~

Flashback

I feel... So dizzy.

I feel hands gripping my chin, moving my face so I can look at them through my disoriented eyes.

"so fucking slutty. You take cock so well"

What?

He let's go off my chin and my head falls to the side before I look down to see my legs.

Cum everywhere. Blood all over my thighs.

I can't feel them.

"Tadashi"

What's going on?

"tadashi, wake up."

My mind fades back into nothiness

I sit up fast, panting.

Theres no air.

I can't breathe.

"everyone give him some space." who?

"tadashi, you need to breathe follow me."

I don't know what he's saying but his voice is soothing. His voice is... Suga.

Sugas here? I'm not.

I look around.

I'm in the room with my team. Worried faces plastered on their faces.

Why do they all look so worried?   
Did I wake them? Are they mad at me? "I'm sorry, I woke all of you."

"no need to apologise. You couldn't help it. Bad dream?" suga asked me.

I nodded. I could t talk about it. I don't really remember what happened. Was that just a dream or....?

"I need the bathroom."

I get up and run past everyone and down the hall into the bathroom.

I look in the mirror and wash my face.

Why am I so.. Disgusting?

I crumble to the ground.

No one followed me. They don't care enough. I wouldn't blame them. They need to sleep. They have practice matches tomorrow. I don't. I'm not playing. I'm not good enough to play.

*click, creak. *

"I thought I heard someone come in."   
I look down, I don't recognise their voice but I don't want them to see my face.

"you're, on the karasuno team, right?"   
I nod my head.

"what's wrong"?

"nothing, just overwhelmed"

"you need someone to vent to?"

"no thank you, I'm good."

He sits next to me,keeping his distance but still close enough to reach.

"it's late you should get some sleep". Yamaguchi told the other player.

"says the one with bags under his eyes. I'm akaashi by the way, from furkurodani".

"you're the setter?"

"yes. What position do you play?"

"setter, but I'm not very good."

"the worse you are, the more room for improvement you have."

"yeah, I should get to bed, it's late."

Yamaguchi gets up and walks fast back to his room, ignoring the few of his teammates waiting to check on him. He lies down and pretends to sleep, but he doesn't get any at all...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter wasn't that great but next chapter were gonna hopefully see Tsuki being a legend, Hinata being a ball of sunshine and more of Akaashi.  
> thanks for reading and for sticking around if you've been here since the beginning.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i sort of disappeared for a bit but thats okay...please dont kill me just read...

"tadashi, wake up. Breakfast is ready." suga said to me.

"tadashi."

I sit up slowly. Blinking away the tiredness in my eyes. only three more days of this hell and then i can leave.

Breakfast makes me sick, takeda sense said I can sleep it off, so I stay cooped up in the room for most of the day.

Eventually I make my out for a stroll. Its 6ish and the sky's going orange. Its beautiful.

"hey, pinch server. Come practice with us."

Oh, it's akaashi. I don't really wanna spend time with him but...

I look over at another gyms entrance and see my team practicing...

"it's yamaguchi. And no I'm fine, I'm gonna join my team over there."

"suit yourself." he says before walking back into the gym.

Like hell I'd join my team. I instead make my way off of school property. Admiring the sky as it slowly darkens.

I come across a small lake. I take off my showmes and dip my feet in.

The water is like ice on my feet. The moon reflecting off of the water makes me want to look at myself.

But, why would I want to do that? I'm a failure. I let myself be- I- it happened and I'm so disgusting.

The grass is soft under my head, almost as soft as my pillow.

Maybe if I stay here long enough, I'll freeze.

That would be nice.

I wouldn't have to tell anyone.

I wouldn't let the team down anymore.

I would probably be doing them a favour.

"tadashi!".

"tadashi, what the hell are you doing here? The whole fucking team, heck, everyone at the training camp is looking for you."

"shhhhhh."

"tadashi get the fuck up." tsuki says as he grabs my arm to pull me away from the water but his hands, they feel like harus. Big, rough and strong.

"don't touch me!"

I pull myself away from him and crawl back.

"tadashi?"

"just don't, okay?"

"what's wrong, why have you been acting like, this?"

"I, I don't know tsuki".

"like hell you don't. Tell me, and we can sort this out."

Can we? Is it that simple? It can't be.

"I-I can't ."

"why not?"

"I just, can't. Just leave me alone."

"tadashi. Stop crying. You can tell me anything."

"i-haru-".

"haru? What did that asshole have to do with any of this?"

"he-". I crouch, hiding my face in my knees. He's gonna think I'm so... Pathetic.

I feel a large hand on my back, rubbing soothing circles. This was not harus hand.

"it's okay, just breathe."

.

.

"does anyone, like me?"

"what do you mean?"

"like the team. Everyone. You."

"of corse. Everyone loves and needs you tadashi."

"it feels like everyone would be better without me. If I'd just disappear-"

"don't you dare say that. We all need you, I need you. You're my best friend. I'm not very good at this but you mean a lot to me, more than anything and I can't let you just disappear."

"thank you, tsuki."

.

.

He didn't ask me to explain more about haru. I don't know how to feel.

I'm glad I didn't have to tell him what happened but I wish I did. I wish I could just let it all out.

Maybe it's best I just keep this to myself?

. 

. 

.

" yamaguchi, you can't just run off like that. I've noticed you've been having a tough time but let someone know where you're off to next time."

"i won't do it again."

"good, now, go talk to the team and have something to eat, we've all been so worried about you."

"yes, sensei."

.

.

.

"yamaguchi, I was so worried about you? Are you okay? Do you need anything?" hinata was still his joyful self.

"I'm fine, hinata, just tired."

"good, don't do that again, we need you."

Huh? Hinata said the team need me? Surely not.

"he right, we need you here with the team." kageyama said.

"i won't run off again. I promise. I'm sorry for troubling all of you."

.

.

.

Everyone said they needed me but sitting here on my futon, surrounded by everyone sound asleep, I can't help but feel as though they would be fine without me.

It's more lonely being surrounded by people you want to love you than being surround by only your thoughts.

Is it harus fault I'm this way or is it just me?

.

.

.

The last day of games went okay. I didn't play at all, I opted for sitting on the sidelines. It was good though. But now we have to go back.

I don't wanna go.

I'm safe here. Away from where haru can get me.

But despite my uneasiness I get on the bus without making a fuss.

Ive already made enough of a hassle, I can't trouble them anymore.

I'm sitting next to tsuki, it's peaceful, just listening to his breathing as he listens to his music.

I close my eyes and drift off. My head leaning onto tsukis shoulder.

.

I hadn't slept that well in a while.

.

.

.

It's been two weeks since we've gotten back. I still haven't told anyone. I still don't play much nor do I do any homework. Going to school is tough enough.

My grades are dropping fast. I might get kicked off the team. Not that it would change much.

It's just hard.

Was it even rape? does it not count because I'm me, a boy?

I keep getting messages from random numbers - probably haru. I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to tell tsuki because he'll ask more questions.

And some questions I don't think I can answer.

"tadashi, tsukis here, he wants to talk to you."

"okay. Hi tsu-."

"what's this?" he asks me holding up a picture I sent to haru. A nude.

"i-where did you get that?"

"i found it in my bag. Did you put it there?"

"no i-"

"who else would have. You're not stupid enough to send pictures like this to anyone are you?"

"..."

"yam-tadashi, did you send this to someone?"

"... No."

He's mad. He thinks I put it in his bag. I. Why am I so worthless?

"i can't believe this." he says as he storms towards the door.

"haru!"   
He stops at the door.

"what?"

"haru, he, he did something."

"what did he do?"

"i, he, I can't tsuki. It's complicated."

He walks to me and wipes the tears streaming down my face before I even realise I'm crying.

"it's okay."

"he, I went with him somewhere. And we did stuff."

"what kind of stuff?"

"you know, stuff."

"You had sex with a guy? "

"i didn't want to, I was kinda drunk." I mumbled quietly.

"you didn't want to? sis he rape y-"

"no, guys cant be ra-"

"they can. And you were. Where is he, I'm gonna fucking kill him!"

" please don't, just stay with me. Please tsuki. "

"im sorry tadashi. I should've known".

He engulfs me in his king, slender arms.

I know nothings better, that I'm always going to be useless but having told tsuki, and having him care for me so much feels really good.

.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay... this is probably the last chapter but i kinda wanna add one more to show yamaguchi moving on because i think that would be nice. so yeah.
> 
> i hope you're not disappointed in the ending.
> 
> make sure you leaves kudos and comment what you think. do you want another chapter where yamaguchi finds some sort of peace of mind???
> 
> bye, thanks for reading and sticking around with my not so great update schedule.

**Author's Note:**

> hopefully, yams will be okay.  
> make sure you leave any feedback and love in the comments down below!!!
> 
> thank you so much for making it to the end of chapter 1 :)


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